Jokes

I wanted to use my ATM card but the machine kept on rejecting the card. A frustrated me called my bank help line. Me: (angrily) So what's wrong with my ATM card. Call girl : Sir, I have checked your account, everything is alright here and You should be able to use your card, are you sure your card is not damaged or broken? Me: Are you insane? What are you insinuating? No one takes good care of their ATM card like I do. Call girl: Okay Sir, are you also sure the surface isn't wet or stained with dirt? Me: You dey mad? ATM card wey I dey pet like egg. As a matter of fact, I even laminated it last week when I laminated my Identity card.

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is STRESS! In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn.You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a BIG STRESS already. You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually, you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile (genetically cannot produce children). This is a STRESS, combined with a relief. On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the REAL STRESS is. P.S. What do you do to your wife when you get home?

Akpos went to an electronic store, he asked the storekeeper "what is the price of this TV?" The storekeeper answered "we don't sell our products to Akpos." Akpos again came next day by cutting his beard and asked "what is the price of this TV?" The storekeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos". The next day Akpos came with a different face and asked "what is the price of this TV?" The shopkeeper replied "we don't sell our products to Akpos." Finally Akpos got irritated and asked the shopkeeper "how do you recognise me every time?" The storekeeper replied "because this is not a TV it is Microwave Oven!"

Never argue with a woman, just use your brains like this my guy. A man went on a night out with his friends the wife is furious and tells the kids that when he comes back they must not open the door for him. At about12 o'clock the man comes back and knocks... the Wife tells him "go sleep where your coming from " and the man answered" I'm not here to sleep my dia , I'm here to collect condoms in my room on top of the table or give it to me, there'r lots of women at the party!" The wife opened the door and said "idiot" you are not going anywhere. Enter the house.

Ekaitte went to the store to buy a parrot trained in the USA and asks the sales person; "What's so special about this parrot ?" Sales person says: "This parrot is a genius and can answer any question" Ekaitte asks the parrot; "How do I look?" The parrot replies; "You look like a fuckin slut?" Ekaitte gets pissed off and tells the sales person that its a very rude parrot and she cannot buy it despite it was trained in the USA. The sales person tells Ekaitte to wait for 2 mins... The sales person takes the parrot to the back of the store and shoves the parrot into a bucket of water and when he pulls the parrot out he says; "if you disrespect the lady out there again i'll soak you back in water" and takes the parrot back to the store. Th sales person apologized to Ekaitte and says she can ask the parrot another question. Ekaitte: "If I come home with one man what would you think?" Parrot: "He's your husband"

Akpos is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Akpos a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Akpos says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Akpos. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Akpos continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Akpos argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Akpos, "in that case I would run into town

Akpos is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector decides to give Akpos a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Akpos says: "I would switch one train to another track." "What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there", answers Akpos. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. "Then," Akpos continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." "What if the phone was busy?" "In that case," Akpos argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station". "What if that had been vandalized?" "Oh well," said Akpos, "in that case I would run into town

Rat: (with tiny voice) hello. Man: hello, who am i speaking wit? Rat: na Mr John be dis abi? Man: yes u are speaking wit Mr John, who is dis pls? Rat: so u no recognize my voice abi? Na me ur room mate. Man: u say what?. Rat: ur room mate Rat. I dey ur room now.. Man: i beg ur pardon? Rat: which yeye beg u dey beg me. i never chop since yesterday wey u waka comot. I check that place wey u dey put food i no see anything. I check d kitchen nothing. I even check ur fridge no single food there. E be like say u wan kill me abi.. No problem, i jux say make i let u know say That ur certificate 4 inside your wardrobe wey dem write LAGOS STATE UNIVERSITY I don eat d"LA"comot. Remaining "GOS"STATE UNIVERSITY. Let me see which work u go take "GOS"state university find.... (rat ends call)

Akpos woke up from sleep and found a letter on top of the fridge, he took the letter and it reads.. "It's no more working and i can't continue staying here, i'm gone and till something is done about it, i'm not going to come back" Akpos opened the fridge, took out a chilled drink and took a sip.. With surprise on his face, he said.. "But the fridge is working now, what the hell is she talking about?"

A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday. At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?" Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?" The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi. The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy boy! You picked up an ugly one this time..." . Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!

A baby boy was born in hospital laughing instead of crying, the more the nurses beat him, the more he laughed so hard, suddenly the doctor noticed he had something in his hands, so he pulled the tiny hands apart and discovered he was holding 3 abortion pills. The baby then turned his head looking at his mother, laughed again and said "NO WEAPON FASHIONED AGAINST ME SHALL PROSPER!"