Jokes

Years ago, an African King was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets President Bill Clinton. The instructor told the African King, "When you shake hands with President Clinton, please say, 'How are you?' then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say, 'me too'. Afterwards, we translators will do the work for you." When the African King met Clinton, he mistakenly said, "Who are you?" (Instead of "How are you?). Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked, but still managed to react, "Well, I'm Hillary's husband." Then the African King replied, "Me too."

After dipping AKPOS three times in water, Father Peter then said to him, "You are now a new creation so your name is no longer AKPOS but Paul. From now onwards, no drinking alcohol!" When he got home, AKPOS now Paul dipped his Beer Bottle in water three times and then said, "From now on your name is now Water"

One day Akpos was walking in the street? He met Edet who asked him what had happened to his ears as both were covered with bandages. He said "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron, and so I burnt my ears" Edet asked, "So what happened to your other ear?" He said, "That same stupid guy called again!"

There were two evil brothers who were extremely rich. They went to the same church and on the surface appeared to be good christians. One of the brothers suddenly died. The remaining brother sort out the pastor and handed him a large donation. He said "I only have one condition, at the funeral you must say my brother was a saint". The pastor agreed and deposited the cheque. At the funeral the pastor said "this man was a evil man, he lied, he stole, he cheated people" after going on and on for several minutes, he finally said "BUT compared to his brother, he was a SAINT!"

Papa Akpos :- My pikin say you drive am commot for school, Wetin he do??? Akpos' Teacher :- Your son no know book at all, He no fit spell "LION" Papa Akpos :- Ah Ah You know say na SMALL pikin...You for tell am make he spell SMALL ANIMAL like MOSQUITO

During the exam, Akpos kept looking under the table, then he would write on the answer sheet. His teacher saw him doing that & thought he was copying.? When collecting the paper after the exam.. Teacher: I'm gonna minus 10 marks. Akpos: Hiiaaa!! Why sir? Teacher: For copying. Akpos: How do you know that I was copying? Teacher: I saw you looking under the table. Akpos: *laughing* Question 9 said, STUDY THE TABLE BELOW.

Two boys, Habib & Akpos are making letter bombs. Habib: I'm not sure whether I put enough explosive in this envelope before I sealed it. Akpos: Well, then open it and look. Habib: But if I open it, it will explode! Akpos: Don't be stupid...It's not addressed to you!

Akpos sat in a bar and was very moody? Soni goes over and asks: Akpos, wetin happen? A very sad looking Akpos replied: I borrow Rukewe N2million to do facial surgery, and now I no fit recognize am to collect my money back.

The real meaning of I'm finished is when at night you lock the door to kill a snake and then electricity goes off...

"It was a Saturday morning and Akpos said to his wife, "Today I had a dream about a beautiful woman.'' His wife replied, ''Oh! Was it me?'' Akpos said, ''No, it was not you, it was someone else'' The wife said, 'Ok... I'm sure she came alone.'' Akpos replied, ''Yea she did, how did you know that?'' She said, "Because I was with her husband, he came in my dreams too alone."

There were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum, and one night, they decided they didn't like that anymore and tried to escape. They made it up to the roof. Just across this narrow gap, they see rooftops stretching across towns. The first guy jumps right across with no problem. But his friend couldn't jump because he was afraid of falling. So the first guy said, "I have a flashlight with me, I will shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me."

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The surprised wife responds, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a pastor to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f**king potatoes!"

Two terrorists having a discussion in a bar. The waiter asks them what the discussion was about? TERRORIST: We are planning to kill 14,000 people and a donkey. WAITER: Why a donkey? Then the other terrorist says to the other, "See, I told you nobody will care about the 14,000 people!"

Nigerian women and how they address their husbands with pet names. When he gives her N500,000 upward: She calls him Sweetheart. When he gives her N400,000: She calls him Sweety. When he gives her N300,000: She calls him Honey. When he gives her N200,000: She calls him Dear. When he gives her N100,000: She calls him by their first child name... e.g Daddy Junior. When he gives her N50,000: She calls him Mr. John. When he gives her N25,000: She calls him Mr man. When he gives her N5,000: She calls him by name; e.g Johnny. When he gives her N500: She calls him This man. When he gives her lower than N500: She calls him with a sound... e.g "wooosi", "phuuuuu", "hissssss".

There were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum, and one night, they decided they didn't like that anymore and tried to escape. They made it up to the roof. Just across this narrow gap, they see rooftops stretching across towns. The first guy jumps right across with no problem. But his friend couldn't jump because he was afraid of falling. So the first guy said, "I have a flashlight with me, I will shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me." But the second guy said, "Do you think I'm stupid?! You will turn the flashlight off when I'm halfway across."

Finding a Husband is Hard... 1. You find a handsome one, the brain is empty. 2. You find a brilliant one, he looks too serious. 3. You find a rich one, he is respectful. 4. You find a hardworking one, he never has time for you. 5. You find a serious one, his EX keeps calling. 6. You find a humble one, he is broke. 7. You find a responsible one, he is not romantic. 8. You find an educated one, he feels he is always right. 9. You find an illiterate one, he always gets angry whenever you correct him. 10. You find a smart one, he lies every time. Where is the perfect one?

A man and his wife were driving from one place to another to show his wife the city. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next fuel station to fill up the tank. For about 20 minutes, they couldn't find any fuel station and they ran out of fuel and the next thing was to start pushing the car. As they were pushing, the wife, looking so tired, said, "Honey, I can't anymore." The man looked ahead and saw a mega station. He said, "Sweetheart, let's keep on pushing, there's a mega station ahead." They got there, the attendant asked, "What can I offer you, sir." "Fill my tank up." replies the husband. While the attendant was filling up the tank, he looks at the car and asked, "What kind of car is this? I've never seen a car like this before in my life!" Is it made in China or Japan?" "Well," the husband replies, "it has everything. It's loaded with a power steering, power seats, powe

A boy sent a letter to Santa saying, "Santa please I need a brother, on Christmas day." The boy received a letter from santa saying, "send me your mother".

Yo mamma is so ugly when she tried to join an ugly contest they said, "Sorry, no professionals."

Yesterday, I went home late from an official function and I decided to use a motorcycle (Okada). On arriving home I alighted, paid the guy and left. As I approached the gate, I saw the bike guy following, I quickly changed the direction and started moving away from the gate, but the guy continued following me. I moved faster, the guy increased his speed, then I realised I was in big trouble! I ran faster, but he kept on following me even riding faster. I got tired and decided to stop, turned around and faced him like a man! So I asked him, "Why are you following me?" The guy replied softly, "Sir, give me back my helmet."

A man has a curse, he is only able to say a single word every year. But if he doesn't say a word that year he can say two the next year, then three, and so on. One day he meets a beautiful woman and wants to ask her to marry him, but he has no words saved up so he must wait four years. So he waits four years and he is finally able to ask her the question. He looks her in the eyes and says "Will you marry me?" She looks back at him with a smile and twinkle in her eye and replies "Come again?"

Nine months comes and goes and she doesn't have the baby. She refuses to have doctors look at her because it is against her believes. She dies at the age of 70 and still hasn't given birth. The mystery is solved when doctors inspect her. Inside of her womb they find two little men saying to each other "No

All men feel some form of dread or nervousness when it comes to picking up women, and it gets even more difficult when you are naturally an introvert. If you are sitting in your favourite bar and you spot a hot girl, don’t let shyness keep you from the possibilities. Use these tips. Dress well: Do not underestimate the importance of looking the part. Being well and fashionably dress is the first step towards standing out. It puts you out there even before you begin to use your words and it will draw the eyes of most ladies, whether or not they are interested. Project confidence: This might be hard to do if you are naturally shy, but you have to ‘fake it till you make it.’ Project confidence by maintaining a strong, straight posture. Also, if you happen to be in good shape, then kudos to you. Women usually notice a man who stands out with looks and confidence.

Years ago, Jokeafrica was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets President Bill Clinton. Then instructor told the Jokeafrica, "When you shake hands with President Clinton, please don't forget to say, 'How are you?' then Mr. Clinton should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say, 'me too'. Afterwards, we translators will do the work for you." When the Jokeafrica met Clinton, he mistakenly said, "Who are you?" (Instead of "How are you?). Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked, but still managed to react, "Well, I'm Hillary's husband." Then the African King replied, "Me too."

Mr. Rowse was complaining to his lovely boss about the problems he use to have with his stubborn wife. She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her! Mr. Rowse exclaimed. Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife" replied the boss. Whenever she got out of hand, I'd take her and expose is secret down and spank her. Shaking his head, Rowse replied, "I've tried that, it doesn't work for me. Once I get her secret I will try and expose her down I'm not mad anymore.

A drunk guy had a bit too much to drink. Walking into a courthouse he shouts, “All lawyers are thieves!” A man stands up and says, “Hey,don’t talk like that to me!” The drunk shouts back, “Why, are you a lawyer?” “No”, says the man “I’m a thief!”

The following WhatsApp chat ensued between Akpos and his boss:Akpos: Boss, I won’t be able to come to work today.Boss: Why not?Akpos: It rained heavily in my area and the whole place is flooded.Boss: You listed “swimming” as your hobby in your CV. So hurry up and come towork! I’m expecting you!Akpos: Jesus Christ!!!

A "wise" guy was traveling in his private car along the road when he saw a huge bushmeat hanging on a stick from afar and decided to buy it. He stopped hIs car and asked the price, "Madam, how much is your bushmeat?" "That one is N7000." the woman replied. The man exclaimed, "No Madam! that's too costly, and how much will you sell the other last one?" "That's N6500." the woman replied. The man said, "Ok! Put them in my car boot." The woman went behind the car saying in her mind, "If this man opens his boot, I will drop the bushmeat on the ground and collect the money for free." Immediately the woman shut the boot without putting the bushmeat, the man zoomed off without paying the woman. QUESTION: Now who is smarter between the two?

Two Jewish men, Barnabas and Hosea were sitting in a restaurant in Lagos. Barnabas asked Hosea, '‘Are there any Jewish people of our faith born and raised in Nigeria?" Hosea replied, "I don’t know, let’s just ask the waiter." When the waiter came by, Hosea asked him, "Are there any Nigerian Jews?" The waiter said, "I don't know, let me ask the cook, "He returned from the kitchen in a few minutes and said, "No sir, no Nigerian Jews." Hosea wasn’t really satisfied with that and asked, "Are you absolutely sure?" The waiter, realising he was dealing with foreigners, gave the expected answer, "Let me check again," and went back into the kitchen. While the waiter was away in the kitchen, Barnabas said, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Nigeria. Our people are scattered everywhere." The waiter returned and said, "The cook says there is no Nigerian Jews." "Are you certain?"

An elderly man boarded a bus at a Bus Stop in Lagos heading home to Ikeja. Typical of Lagos bus stops, and the rushes by commuters to get on board, one of the commuters who boarded was this 80-year-old man, once on board he struggled and got a seat. Just as he sat down, he discovered his wallet had been stolen from his back pocket. As the bus moved on quietly into the night, a loud voice was heard from the back of the bus, "WHOEVER TOOK MY WALLET SHOULD RETURN IT OR ELSE WHAT HAPPENED IN1967 WILL REPEAT ITSELF!". He repeated this again and again much louder. Sudden dead silence and fear engulfed the bus. Voices in whispers were heard on the bus asking, "What happened in 1967?" Everyone in the bus started begging, "Whoever did this should please bring the wallet out." The man who stole the wallet became afraid, he quickly dropped the wallet and kicked it near the old man and in a short while, a young lady shouted pointing underneath the seats, "Sir, s