Jokes

The President and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it, but he could not. The pig was killed. The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggers back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of stout in one hand, a cigar in the other hand, smiling happily. "What happened?" asked the President. "Well," the driver replied, "the Farmer gave me the beer, his wife gave me the cigar and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked the president. The driver replied, "I'm the president's driver and I just killed the pig."

Akpos was sent to deliver a chicken in Lagos. On his way a careless okada rider made him to fall. The chicken immediately ran off. When Akpos saw the chicken running away, he started laughing. When asked why he was laughing, he said "see this foolish chicken, where does she know in Lagos when the address is with me?"

Akpos wrote a later to his father saying "papa condition is critical at school, send money or suicide will be committed" then the father replied "condition is more critical at home suicide approved!"

TEACHER: If a person from Nigeria is a Nigerian, then what's a person from Holland called?.. AKPOS: Hollandia

One day Akpos and John were watching T.V when the news came on, showing a man standing on a bridge about to commit suicide, suddenly Apkos said "I'll bet N500 that the guy won't jump off", John said I bet N500 that he will jump. Unfortunately for Akpos the man jumped off the bridge, Akpos accepted his fate and stretched forth the money but John didn't take it, saying "I can't take the money coz I cheated, I already saw the news this morning" but Akpos insisted and said "no you can take it, I cheated too, I also watched the news this morning, I just din't know the guy will be stupid enough to jump again!"

Akpos returns a missing purse to the owner in a market. The lady was so grateful but when she looked inside the purse, she got confused and said, "but I had just a single note of N1000 but, now there are ten notes of N100, how come?" Akpos said "na me change am, because the last time I help person find purse she say she for give me something but change no dey! So I changed it"

Akpos sat in a bar and was very moody? Soni goes over and asks: Akpos, wetin happen? A very sad looking Akpos replied: I borrow Rukewe N2million to do facial surgery, and now I no fit recognize am to collect my money back.

We went to aro for visitation. They wanted to test to know the next of the insane men to release. The doctor drew a door on the wall and asked the patients to open and pass through it. All the insane men rushed to the door to open but Akpos. He sat down and watched them, the doctor thinks Akpos' brain is back to normal. Doctor goes to him Doctor: Akpos why are u sitting down? Akpos: They are all crazy! Doctor the key to that door is in my pocket.

There were two evil brothers who were extremely rich. They went to the same church and on the surface appeared to be good christians. One of the brothers suddenly died. The remaining brother sort out the pastor and handed him a large donation. He said "I only have one condition, at the funeral you must say my brother was a saint". The pastor agreed and deposited the cheque. At the funeral the pastor said "this man was a evil man, he lied, he stole, he cheated people" after going on and on for several minutes, he finally said "BUT compared to his brother, he was a SAINT!"

Akpos was writing something very slowly. A friend asked "why are you writing so slowly?" Akpos: I'm writing to my six year old son, he can't read very fast.

A conversation between Akpos and his dad... DAD: So Akpos my son, are you taking any foreign language in school this year? Akpos: Yes dad, I'm taking maths.

Akpos won a lottery of 10 million dollars, after claiming the money, he buried the cash at the foot of a tree, and took a picture of the tree. He then boarded a flight to london, on the plane feeling good about himself he looked at the photo and suddenly he burst into tears. In his hands was the photo, in it there was a man smiling at the top of the tree.

A husband and wife were celebrating their 60th birthday together when suddenly an angel appeared and said God was going to grant them each one special request. The wife was so excited she said "I want to travel all over the world" and poof the smoke cleared and suddenly she had tickets in her hand. The husband was next, he shyly said "my request is that I would be married to a woman 30 yrs younger than me" poof the smoke cleared and he was 90 yrs old!

A man travelled to Jerusalem with his wife and grand mother. When they got there the grand mother died, the man demanded the cost of the burial arrangement. He was told it would cost him just $100 to bury her there, but $10,000 to be taking back home. Considering the huge price difference, the man still decided to take the body home. When asked why he wants to spend such money the man said "several years ago I learnt that a certain man died here and resurrected after 3 days, I wouldn't want to take that chance cos this woman is so stubborn!"

Akpos and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom and stayed there. Akpos promptly jumped in to save Her, he swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical doctor became aware of Akpos' act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Akpos the news, he said "Akpos, i have good news and bad news, the good news is you are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient, I think you have gotten well enough and the bad news is that, the patient you saved hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom, I am sorry, she is dead." Akpos replied, she did not hang herself, I put her there to dry!

Akpos was in front of me coming out from the church after service, and the preacher was standing at the door as usual to shake hands. He grabbed Akpos by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Akpos replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "Am an undercover agent!"

We have three classes of poverty. Primary, Secondary and Tertiary poverty. Teacher asks "who can explain the three classes of poverty?" Akpos stood up and said "Sir we are operating in the three classes of poverty o". The teacher asks "have you paid your school fees?" Akpos replied "that's exactly what I mean".

Akpos asked Chichi in a library; Do you mind if I sit beside you?" Chichi answered with a loud voice; "I DONT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!! All the students in the library started staring at Akpos and he was embarrassed. After a couple of minutes, Chichi walked quietly to Akpos table and she told him "I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?" Akpos responded with a loud voice: "N50,000 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!!!? THATS TOO MUCH!!!" everyone in the library looked at Chichi in shock and Akpos whispered in her ears "I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty"

TEACHER: If I have 6 bottles in one hand and 5 in the other, what do I have? AKPOS: A drinking problem!

At a court hearing, the Judge says, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?", "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "you dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "...also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?", "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "you dirty rotten stinking rat!" At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door ne

On Judgement Day, I'll just hold the Nigerian Flag, and my Photo I.D card, to show God that I have already been through hell... He'll give me an automatic to Heaven

One day, a priest and a nun went golfing. The first hole, the priest missed an extremely easy pot. He shouted, "Damn, missed again!" The nun, shocked, warned him, "God will get you for that." The next hole the same thing occurred. After the priest screamed, "Damn It! Missed again." The nun repeated her warning, "God will get you for that!" On the third hole, the priest again missed and cursed, but before the nun could repeat her warning, a bolt of lightning came down from the Heavens and struck the nun dead. A deep voice from the clouds boomed out, "Damn It! Missed again!"

A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns. After the offering bags were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly made her way towards him. The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks, he asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

A senior friend asked me to wait for him in an eatery in Lagos. So I ordered a meal of about N1,500 (an amount a gentleman can afford). While eating and waiting, I noticed a man in a flowing apparel (Agbada) walk in. About 50 seconds later, a man went to this man and told him he lost his wife and needed money to keep body and soul together. Immediately, the man gave him a million naira cheque out of pity (Wow! I was shocked). Another man went in crying and saying he lost his father and needed money 4 his burial, this good and benevolent man gave him a million naira cheque too! I told myself, "I can't be left out of this Bounty." I began cooking a story in my mind, a pitiful lie I'll also tell to receive my own N1 million. I summoned a little bit of courage and went to where the rich man was sitting. I told him I lost my grandfather and I needed money (I was crying hysterically). While I was expecting this man to open his briefcase and give me a cheque too, I suddenly

A chicken and a goat decided to take a walk. As they were walking, a car drove past them with speed and splashed some water on them. The chicken took offence and said, "Look at how they drive, like goats!" And the goat replied, "No wonder they die like chickens."

Daer Sir I'm writter this letter with haters and tell you that I'm leave your school for good enough. The why of the leave it is because at your school, the teachers are beat us very harmful and very sad. Sometimes one day of once upon a time, I wanted to cried but my friends telled me a man is a sheep he is not a cry. I was silent but vibrating in and out. Another why is because of discriminate, we writted a test and I'm cheated, I get 20% that I'm not deserved. The teachers says my head is dead. Oh, it pained me too much. I will tell you plenty things when you want us early in the morning but Sir you must know it is very ice in the morning, blanket is not want to be removed from body, I wake up early but I am come late. I'm write exzam study at another school. Great your wife and childish. Pliz tell all childs of school that I'm say good bye for ever and ever amen. Your's faithfool Akpos.

Akpos, a guy in his mid thirties who is also known for making lots of troubles, walked into a bar, met with the manager and started yelling, "Give me one carton of beer, five plates of pepper soup, three plates of isi-ewu and four plates of nkwobi or else, I'll scatter this place!" So, he kept yelling until his needs were met. He enjoyed himself and left without saying "thanks". This went on for weeks, he kept coming and his demands were met. One evening, as usual, he barged in and started making his usual demands, "Give me one carton of beer, five plates of pepper soup, three plates of isi-ewu and four plates of nkwobi or else... or else!" A sharp voice suddenly answered him from behind, "Or else what?!" Akpos turned to see who dared to challenge him, and on facing the man, Lo and behold, it was a very tall fierce looking guy, with a 150 pound rottweiler panting beside him. Akpos could do nothing but shiver with his mouth wide open and sali

Three criminals were given a life sentence each by a judge. The judge asked them if they would like to make any request that will be giving to them throughout their say in prison before they were taken away. The first two criminals said they wanted alcohol while the third criminal said he should be provided packs of cigarette. After 50 years, they decided to check on the criminals. They found the first two criminals who requested for alcohol dead. Both died of Liver failure, but the third criminal just came out and said, "You forgot to give me a lighter."

Michael was a single guy living at home with his Dad and working in the family business. When he found out that he was going to inherit a fortune when his very old dad died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away, "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my dad will die, and I'll inherit 1 billion Naira." Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmom.

Akpos was driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A girl was driving down the same road. As they passed each other, the girl leaned out the window and shouted, "Goat!" Akpos immediately leaned out of his window and replied, "Fool!" They each continue on their way, and as Akpos rounds the next corner he slammed into a goat in the middle of the road!

DANGOTE: (picks phone) Who is this? AKPOS: I'm a nobody sir, sorry, I meant, I meant, my name is Akpos, I live in Oshodi, Lagos State, my friends call me Akpos baba. DANGOTE: (cuts in) Young man save me the long crap and go straight to the point. AKPOS: Sir, I wanted to know whether there is any 1 million Naira that you are not using?

James had been a stockbroker for twenty-five years and was finally sick of the stress. He quitted his job and bought ten acres of land in Obudu far from humanity as possible. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he was finishing dinner when someone knocked on his door. He opened it and there was a big, bearded and burly man standing there. "Name's John Thomas, your neighbour from two miles over the hills, I'm having a party this Saturday at 7pm, thought you'd like to come." "Great," said James, "After six months of this, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As John Thomas was leaving, he stopped, "Got to warn you, there's going to be some drinking." "Not a problem, After twenty-five years in Lagos, I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he started to leave, John Thomas stopped, "There's likely going to be some fighting too." "Hmmmm," James thought, "Tough c