Jokes

Akpos returns a missing purse to the owner in a market. The lady was so grateful but when she looked inside the purse, she got confused and said, "but I had just a single note of N1000 but, now there are ten notes of N100, how come?" Akpos said "na me change am, because the last time I help person find purse she say she for give me something but change no dey! So I changed it"

Dr SID, one of the person Tee Billz, Tiwa husband accused of sleeping with his wife have admitted that he slept with Tiwa but that was before she got married to Tee Billz. He added that Tee Billz was very much aware of the act but still went ahead to marry Tiwa and wonder why he is making story out of it now. A sure insider who doesn’t want his name to be mentioned confirm the story, but added that is what happened when you share your past life story with a failure. The question everyone here is still asking is can you really say Tee Billz is a failure considering the fact that he was the one that brought Tiwa salvage to limelight what we all believe a failure cannot do. Another insider even added that Tiwa and Dr SID were still fooling around even after getting married. Who is really fooling who here.

During Alphabet’s first earnings call, Google CEO Sundar Pichai commented that as of this month, Gmail now officially has one billion monthly active users. The Gmail app for Android, by comparison, hit one billion installs a little over 20 months ago, back in May 2014. And that was two years after Gmail became the most popular email service on the planet. When that occurred in 2012, Google reported around 425 million MAUs for Gmail, meaning the service has grown its active user base twice over in around three-and-a- half years. Even though Gmail, which launched in 2004, took much longer to hit 1 billion users, Google still has more products counting more than a billion monthly active users. Android, Chrome, YouTube, Maps, Search and Google Play each have more than a billion monthly actives. WhatsApp, the popular messaging service owned by Facebook, has also announced that it has reached 1 billion users “We’re excited to see how far we’ve come,” W

Akpos sat in a bar and was very moody? Soni goes over and asks: Akpos, wetin happen? A very sad looking Akpos replied: I borrow Rukewe N2million to do facial surgery, and now I no fit recognize am to collect my money back.

Akpos had a bad attendance record for being particularly late for work in the morning. He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons. His argument - "I get up in the morning...I shower...I look in the mirror...try to straighten my hair, then I miss the taxi, then I'm late." His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Akpos' colleague to sneak into his room & steal the Mirror off the wall without Akpos' knowledge. The following day, Akpos did not turn up for work. The same happened the day after that. Akpos was summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work. His argument - "I get up in the morning...I shower...I look in the Mirror...See no Akpos...I think Akpos already left for work.

Akpos was sent to deliver a chicken in Lagos. On his way a careless okada made him to fall. The chicken immediately ran off. When Akpos saw the chicken running away, he started laughing. When asked why he was laughing, he said "see this Mumu chicken, where does she know in Lagos when the address is with me?"

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked Akpos "Yes, Sir" replied Akpos."Well then, that makes everything just fine" the boss went on "after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you"

According to Nigerian newspaper Leadership, the world’s deadliest terror group is ready to drop their arms, negotiate a surrender and release the remaining hostages provided that they would not be killed or prosecuted. Amir Muhammad Abdullahi, a senior Boko Haram militant, said: “We want to surrender because things are getting worse.” He added that neither the Nigeria. According to the terrorist, only a third of the girls are alive, while “the rest have been martyred”. Jeff Okoroafor, spokesperson for the Bring Back Our Girls (BBOG) campaign group, has refused to believe the latest information. He said: “We stand by Amina’s report. Until we get some more concrete and verifiable, we will hold on to what she has said that only six of the girls have died and others are According to Amina Ali Nkeki, who was among the 219 girls abducted from Chibok secondary school in Borno state and rescued earlier this week, six of the kidnapped girls had died but the rest were still in the Sa

A lady went to a mirror shop to buy a mirror. Below was the conversation between the lady and the sales rep... LADY: I want to buy a mirror. SALES REP: What type of mirror do you need? Do you need a face mirror or a hand mirror? LADY: Why should I buy a hand mirror when I can see my hand with my eyes?

As fallout continues over raid on Labour senator, Mitch Fifield confirms he was aware management had called in police but denies having told Malcolm Turnbull

AYO the drunkard was stumbling down the street with one foot on the road and one foot in the gutter. His friend, Danny, saw him and said, "Dude, you are drunk!" AYO looked surprised and said, "Danny, are you sure I am drunk?" "Yes!" Danny replied. "You are drunk!" Breathing a sigh of relief, AY said, "Thank God! I thought I was a cripple!"

A woman went shopping... at the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay. The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse. He couldn't control his curiosity and asked, "Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" She replied, "No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me for shopping today." The shopkeeper laughs and takes back all the items the lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asks the shopkeeper what he was doing. He said, "Your husband has blocked your credit card." MORAL: Respect the hobbies of your husband. Wife took out her husband's credit card from her purse and uses it to clear all the bills. Unfortunately, he didn't block his own card. MORAL: Don't underestimate the power of a WIFE.

A black man and white man were seated on plane. The black man had a bunch of banana, while the white man had a monkey. The black man wanted to go to the toilet, he said to the white man "please watch over my bananas, while am gone". He went, came back and found out that the bananas were all gone. The white man pointed at the monkey and said, "your brother the monkey ate all of them". The black man with a smile said nothing. Minutes later, the white man said, "please hold my monkey while I pee". He came back and met the monkey dead. He asked the black man what happened and he replied "this is a family matter, please stay out of it!"

One night, I was strolling with my girlfriend when a hummer jeep packed beside us and wind down, he signalled to my girl to come but she turned and looked at me and I being a gentleman nodded in agreement for her to go, after all, I trusted her completely. After few minutes of conversation which I couldn't hear, I saw my girlfriend opened the door and entered. I was shocked! I went to them and said, "Wha's the meaning of this?!" They just sat in the car looking at me as if I was an idiot. I became angrier when I saw the stupid guy laughing at me, I shouted at my girl and ordered her to come down from the car at once. She shrugged and calmly said, "Please David, stop embarrassing yourself! Go home and I will send you recharge card later." I didn't know when I fainted!

I was going to London for the very first time in my life. I went to the airport and sat down waiting for my flight. I looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your weight and fortune. So, I thought to myself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." I went over to the machine and put One Naira coin in and out came a card that said, "You are a Comedian and weigh 128 lb, and you are going to London, England." I sat back down and thought about it. I told myself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. I went back to the machine and put One Naira coin. Out came a card that read, "You are a Comedian, weigh 128 lb, you are going to London, England and you are going to play a guitar." I said to myself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument in my life." I sat back down. From nowhere a guitar boy came over and set his guitar down next to me. I picke

A helicopter was flying around above Abuja when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said , "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to the ABUJA airport and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how he had done it. "I knew it had to be the ASO ROCK Building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."

Which one of this do you think is more powerful to you????

West Ham's final Saturday at Upton Park ended in a damp squib, with a surprise 4-1 defeat by lowly Swansea ending their faint Champions League hopes. It also allowed Southampton to leapfrog them into sixth place, although the Hammers would climb back above them with a win on Tuesday night. "We were disappointed not to do better in that game," added Bilic. "We'd said before that the gap below was smaller than the gap to Manchester City in fourth. To be fair Southampton did a great job with wins against City and Spurs, and now they are with us." Darren Randolph will deputise for injured goalkeeper Adrian but Bilic has an otherwise fully-fit squad for the match. Meanwhile, Juan Mata is looking forward to playing his part in West Ham's farewell to Upton Park - a place the Manchester United man says "breathes English football". United go there knowing victories in their final two league games will guarantee them a place in the top four and a Champi

Bayern Munich coach Pep Guardiola wants his team to put their Champions League disappointment behind them by wrapping up their fourth straight Bundesliga title at Ingolstadt on Saturday. Bayern were dumped out at the semi-final stage of Europe's premier club competition by Atletico Madrid on Tuesday night. Guardiola admitted on Friday that he will ultimately be judged on his failure to bring the European title to the Bavarian club in his three years at the helm, although he would prefer to be remembered for winning three straight league titles. BETTING TIPS Germany Bundesliga FC Ingolstadt 04 vs Bayern Munich MY PICK::: FC Bayern München 2 @1.25 confidence::: 65%

Real Madrid stars Gareth Bale and Keylor Navas suffer injuries but last four matchs Real madrid have been playing Over8.5 CONER KICKS. Spain Primera Division Real Madrid - Valencia CF MY GOLDING PICK:::Over 8.5 corners @1.22 Confidence::: 85%.

TENNIS WTA Madrid, Spain Simona Halep vs Samantha Stosur MY PICKS::: 1st set total games Over 8.5 games @1.40 confidence::: 75%.

One night, I was strolling with my girlfriend when a hummer jeep packed beside us and wind down, he signalled to my girl to come but she turned and looked at me and I being a gentleman nodded in agreement for her to go, after all, I trusted her completely. After few minutes of conversation which I couldn't hear, I saw my girlfriend opened the door and entered. I was shocked! I went to them and said, "Wha's the meaning of this?!" They just sat in the car looking at me as if I was an idiot. I became angrier when I saw the stupid guy laughing at me, I shouted at my girl and ordered her to come down from the car at once. She shrugged and calmly said, "Please David, stop embarrassing yourself! Go home and I will send you recharge card later." I didn't know when I fainted!

A little boy was at a house party with his parents when suddenly he asked his mom, "Mom, where do babies come from?" Shocked, the mom replied, "Go ask your dad." So the little boy went to his father and asked, "Dad, where do babies come from?" Shocked, the father said, Go to your grandma." So this went on and on until finally, he came to his mother again. Out of breath, the boy asked, "Mom, I'm really tired from running around all day... please, just tell me, where do babies come from?!" Giving up, the mother replied, "Well, when your dad and I got married, we really wanted a boy so we took a seed and placed it under a rock under a tree and prayed really hard for a boy... so the next morning, you were there. Satisfied with the answer, the little boy wanted to try this for a little boy too. So that night, he took a seed and placed it under a rock under a tree, went to bed and prayed really hard for a little boy for himself. The next

What is the 1st letter of your name? ♡ A - Talented ♡ B - Sweet ♡ C - Naughty ♡ D - Loving ♡ E - Dangerous ♡ F - Sports ♡ G - Awesome ♡ H - Liar ♡ I - Stupid ♡ J - Sexy ♡ K - Cute ♡ L - Beautiful ♡ M - Lovable ♡ N - Honest ♡ O - Strong ♡ P - Loyal ♡ Q - Bad Person ♡ R - Always Happy ♡ S - Romantic ♡ T - Smart ♡ U - Humble ♡ V - Caring ♡ W - Trustworthy ♡ X - Responsible ♡ Y - Gifted ♡ Z - Careful. Don't lie !

An Arab was walking through the Sahara desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes." The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!" "Okay, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they'll give you all the water you want." The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said, "I told you, ab

So funny event, Wife came home late last night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can did. Once she is done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi darling", he says, "your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said hello to them."

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem. So one day, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her chair. He spoke softly to her, "honey, can you hear me?" there was no response. He moved a little closer and said again, "honey, can you hear me?" still, there was no response. Finally, he moved right behind her and said, "honey, can you hear me?" She replied, "for the third time, yes!"

A bus carrying many people crashed on an icy road, burst into flames, and killed everyone. Upon arrival in heaven, God says "Since you have died in a terrible way, I'll grant you one wish before I let you into heaven." The first woman, being a person always concerned on her looks, comes up to God and says "I wish to be beautiful." God grants her wish. The next person can't decide on what to wish for so ends up wishing for the same thing. At this point Akpos who was last on the queue starts to laugh. The next couple of people make their wish to become beautiful and Akpos laughs even louder. One after the other the people wish the same thing and the closer God gets to the end of the line, the harder Akpors laughs. When God finally reaches him, he asks "What is your wish my son?" Akpos said "MAKE THEM UGLY AGAIN"