Jokes

A movie director was determined to make the greatest epic movie ever filmed and the film was to contain the greatest battle scene ever filmed. "I will use two armies." he said "They'll be huge twenty-five thousand extras on each side." "But how will we pay off the fifty thousand actors?" murmured his assistant. "That's the best part of my plan" replied the director. "we'll use real bullets."

James was returning home with his salary and was ambushed by an armed robber on a deserted street. "Take my money, take my money!!" said James, "But do me a favour. Shoot a bullet through my cap here otherwise, my wife won't believe I was robbed." The robber obliged. He threw James's cap into the air and shot a bullet through it. "Let's make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers," said James, "otherwise, my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of holes through my suit." So the robber shot a number of holes through James' suit. "And now shoot...…" "Sorry," interrupted the robber. "No more holes. I'm out of bullets." "That's all I wanted to hear!" said James. "Now hand me back my money and some more for the cap and suit that you've ruined or I will beat you black and blue!" The robber threw down the money and took to his heels.

Once, a little girl went to a shop with her mother. In the shop, the little caught a glimpse of a bottle filled with sweets. The shopkeeper noticed her staring at the bottle filled with sweets and said, "Hey cute girl, you can take the sweets if you want them." But the little girl didn't do anything. The shopkeeper was surprised and repeated again, "You can have the sweets." But the little girl didn't take the sweets. The mother finally weighed in and said, "You can have the sweets dear." Yet she didn't take it. The shopkeeper picked the bottle of sweets himself, poured a bunch of them onto his hand and gave them to her. While returning home, the mother asked her daughter, "Why didn't you take the sweets when the shop keeper told you to take them?" The little girl replied, "Because the shopkeeper's hands were bigger than mine."

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in China when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and waiting for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually, they find an oasis (river). The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So the blind man goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and

Once, a little girl went to a shop with her mother. In the shop, the little caught a glimpse of a bottle filled with sweets. The shopkeeper noticed her staring at the bottle filled with sweets and said, "Hey cute girl, you can take the sweets if you want them." But the little girl didn't do anything. The shopkeeper was surprised and repeated again, "You can have the sweets." But the little girl didn't take the sweets. The mother finally weighed in and said, "You can have the sweets dear." Yet she didn't take it. The shopkeeper picked the bottle of sweets himself, poured a bunch of them onto his hand and gave them to her. While returning home, the mother asked her daughter, "Why didn't you take the sweets when the shop keeper told you to take them?" The little girl replied, "Because the shopkeeper's hands were bigger than mine."

A child innocently asked his mother... CHILD: Would you leave your housegirl with your bank account card and your N1 million on the chair. MUMMY: No I don't trust her. CHILD: Then why would you leave me with her?

The day after his wife disappeared in a car accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Nigerian Policemen, "We are sorry Mr. Maxwell, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Policeman. "Tell me! Did you find her?!" Maxwell shouted. The Policemen looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Maxwell said, "Give me the bad news first." The Police said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning, we found your wife's body in the sea under the Bridge." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Maxwell swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Police continued, "When we brought her out, she had five fishes and three tortoises clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Maxwell demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The Police sa

Good day people I hope you enjoy the Euros, it's England v Wales Today, I hope someone Understands how big this match is. If you don't, let me gist you. England and Wales are part of the UK It's only in football that they features as seperate countries But in Olympics they present joint athlete under Great Britain. ( cheat of life) Who says white no like cheating? I hope you get the gist right now. So it's going to be very massive. Our Tips is Offsides Over(4.5) @2.00 or TIPS::: England (fouls)-Wales (fouls) Fouls Over(25.5) @1.77 Best of luck

CNN News: Rihanna is pregnant with Drakes baby. "I've kept it a secret as long as I can. But I think the public have the right to know", said 29-year-old Rihanna. Rihanna Mabaso of Mamelodi, Pretoria is pregnant with her long time boyfriends baby, Drake Nkosi of Durban, KZN. The pregnancy was confirmed this morning by her neighbour who spotted her in a taxi leaving the township with a bulging tummy.

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. The Angel said, "Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe." So they all agreed and were admitted in. The first guy made it a week before he lied about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appeared the ugliest woman he had ever seen. The second guy made it another couple weeks before he lied about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appeared the second ugliest woman in the universe. So the first two guys were walking around with their monsters of women when they saw their third friend walking with the most beautiful woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys said in unison, "How did you land with this babe when we got stuck with these nasty women?" He nudged the babe and said, "Tell them." She said to the first two guys, "I lied."

A child innocently asked his mother... CHILD: Would you leave your housegirl with your bank account card and your N1 million on the chair. MUMMY: No I don't trust her. CHILD: Then why would you leave me with her?

One rainy day, an old man was standing with a book for sale. AYO came to buy the book. He bought the book for 2,000 Naira. The old man advised, "DON'T OPEN THE LAST PAGE OF THE BOOK otherwise, you'll face problems." AYO finished the book with great fear but didn't open the last page. But, after a week, out of curiosity, he opened the last page and he almost fainted with what he saw. This is what he saw Selling Price: 20 Naira

LADY: My husband just swallowed paracetamol tablet by mistake... what should I do? DOCTOR: Give him a headache now, don't waste the medicine!

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. The Angel said, "Okay, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe." So they all agreed and were admitted in. The first guy made it a week before he lied about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appeared the ugliest woman he had ever seen. The second guy made it another couple weeks before he lied about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appeared the second ugliest woman in the universe. So the first two guys were walking around with their monsters of women when they saw their third friend walking with the most beautiful woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys said in unison, "How did you land with this babe when we got stuck with these nasty women?" He nudged the babe and said, "Tell them." She said to the first two guys, "I lied."

This is a story about four people named, Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when actually Nobody asked Anybody.