Jokes

A kid calls his maths teachers house everyday. TEACHER'S WIFE: I have told you a million times that my husband is dead. Why do you keep calling. KID: Feels good to hear it!

Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open. Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.” 15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Man: “I had to get to work.” Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?” Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

A new American ambassador was being entertained by an African diplomat. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. Plus, we learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette." The American frowned. "Russian roulette's not a very nice game." The diplomat smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. "I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and a moment later, six magnificently built, nude women were ushered in. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told the American. "That's great," the ambassador said, "but it doesn't seem much like Russian roulette." "Oh, it is. One of them is a cannibal."