Jokes

So funny this funny 2022 new 

Teacher: What is the difference between Biology & Sociology? Akpos: If a new born baby looks like his father, it is Biology but if he looks like the neighbor that's Sociology!

Papa Akpos :- My pikin say you drive am commot for school, Wetin he do??? Akpos' Teacher :- Your son no know book at all, He no fit spell "LION" Papa Akpos :- Ah Ah You know say na SMALL pikin...You for tell am make he spell SMALL ANIMAL like MOSQUITO

Teacher: "I am beautiful" what tense is that Akpos: Obviously past tense!

Welcome to Nigeria Police Emergency Center... for English press. 1, for Igbo press 2, for Yoruba press 3. Then I pressed 1... then another voice came up....For Car Accident press 1, for Armed Robbery press 2, for Boko haram please hang up...Den I pressed 2, another voice came up...If they're with knives press 1, pistols press 2, AK 47 press 3, machine guns press 4, bomb press 5, all of the above press 6...Then I checked and saw they were with all of them then I pressed 6... another a voice came up saying... Hmmmm...! My brother, if your brother dey police u go gree make im come

Akpos' sister Bimbo took a rope to commit sucide AKPOS: Ah ah bimbo y d rope. BIMBO: I wan hang myself jor! AKPOS: Why all the makeups then. BIMBO: Are you mad, don't you know my face will b in d papers tomorrow.

During an argument, a HUSBAND told his WIFE, "women are just DONKEYS. All women are DONKEYS!" The next day as they were travelling along the highway, a donkey crosses right in front of their car. The WIFE tells her HUSBAND, "Sweetheart, be careful. Your mother is crossing the road."

Dad, I don’t want to go to school today.” said little Akpos. “Why not, Akpos?” his dad asked. Akpos replied, “Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.” “But I still don't understand why you don’t want to go today?” “Because our English teacher died yesterday!”

Akpos was sent to deliver a chicken in Lagos. On his way a careless okada made him to fall. The chicken immediately ran off. When Akpos saw the chicken running away, he started running but he later wait and said you this foolish chicken where did you know in this lagos afterall when address is with me.

Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the other one was beautiful. Akpos walked straight to the ugly girl. Akpos: Hi! Girl: Hi!! Akpos: Wanna dance? Girl: Yes (excited) Akpos: Ok, go and dance, I wanna talk to your friend.

Teacher: If u have 10 doughnuts and someones asks for 2, how many do u have left? Akpors: 10 doughnuts. Teacher (understanding how naughty Akpors could be): Well what if the person forcefully takes 2 doughnuts, what do u have left. Akpors: 10 DOUGHNUTS AND 1 DEAD BODY!

Akpos was being chased by two men for one of his numerous crimes. Akpos ran into d forest and d men followed him. Akpos got into the forest and climbed a tree. The two men got to the tree where Akpos was and did not know where he ran to. Angrily, one of the men retorted: "This boy has escaped again". His colleague replied: "I know Akpos, if I call his name thrice, he'll answer! Akpos laughed from d tree and said to d men: "If you like call my name from now till next year I no go answer u, U think say na Akpos of before?"

The teacher instructed the class to write an essay of 5 pages on "What is laziness". Akpos in his book left 4 pages empty and on the 5th page wrote ''DIS IS LAZINESS''

Following successful launches across different cities in Nigeria, the iconic beer brand, Guinness, introduced their latest innovation, Guinness Africa Special to the people of Lagos. Olamide 'The Go Karting’ track at GET Arena, Lagos was transformed into a colourful, and vibrant space playing host to the launch event with over 3,000 guests excited to meet #TheSpecialOne – Guinness Africa Special. Burna Boy, Ycee, Kolasoul, Magnito, Simi thrilled guests, with Bovi and Jimmy keeping the crowd hyped and energised anticipating the excitement of the night. Super star DJ Spinall brought down the roof with his music line-up, Godwin Strings stole the night with his amazing talent, while Osa 7 used live graffiti to bring alive the famous Eyo image that is synonymous with the people of Lagos. #TheSpecialOne party had earlier toured the cities of Port Harcourt, Abuja, Enugu, Benin and Ibadan. Made of Black ambassadors, Olamide and Phyno were present and in their element and the crowd went w...

A husband and wife were celebrating their 60th birthday together when suddenly an angel appeared and said God was going to grant them each one special request. The wife was so excited she said "I want to travel all over the world" and poof the smoke cleared and suddenly she had tickets in her hand. The husband was next, he shyly said "my request is that I would be married to a woman 30 yrs younger than me" poof the smoke cleared and he was 90 yrs old!

Akpos: Why are all these people running? Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup. Akpos: if only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the white house, where Barack obama Lives. The 1st from INDIA, the 2nd from CHINA & the 3rd akpos from Nigeria.They go with White House official to examine the fence. The Indian takes out a tape & did some measuring, works some figures "Well", he says, "I figure the job will cost $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my teamv& $100 profit for me)". The Chinese does some measuring & figuring, says,"I can do it for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team & $100 profit for me)". Akpos did not even measure or figure out anything, but he walks around the White House & whispers "$2,700." The official says, "You didn't even measure how did you come up with such a high figure?" Akpos whispers "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, & $700 to hire the Chinese to do the job."

Akpos insisted that his first child must bear his name. So on the day of naming.... Rev: Which name would you like your child to bear? Akpos: With smiles all over his face he said, Akpos! Rev: No! He has to bear an English name. Akpos: Ok oh, Akposky! Rev: Listen, your son should be named after a saint in the bible. Akpos: Nawa oh, which kind wahala be this?? Ok oga pastor, my son will bear St. Akpostus.

Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. Only in America do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. Only in America do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning ...

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

In commemoration of this year’s International Women’s Day, influential figures across the globe have urged world leaders to end extreme poverty by investing in girls and women. A still from the video Top among the influential figures who have added their voices to the campaign are Oprah Winfrey, Muhammad Ali, D’Banj, Melinda Gates, Femi Kuti, Charlize Theron, Yemi Alade and Bono. Other are Selmor Mtukudzi, Vanessa Mdee, Victoria Kimani, Amy Poehler, Danai Gurira, Angelique Kidjo, Shonda Rhimes, Jessie J, Colin Farrell and Robert Redford . Influentialfigures These influential figures have also signed ONE Campaign’s open letter which shows the incredible strength of feeling across the global community for leaders to step up for girls and women everywhere. New analysis in ONE’s 2016 Poverty is Sexist report ranks the toughest countries in which to be born a girl, with Republic of Niger topping the list, followed by Somalia and Mali. Sixteen of the 20 countries that top the list are found...

Koyo Bala was part of a pop gay group known as 3-Sum made up of Bala‚ Amstel Maboa and the late Jeff Moyo, who were popularly known in the South African entertainment industry as gay rights activists. In a report obtained by the News Agency of Nigeria, Koyo Bala had disclosed publicly that he was HIV positive in 2011. It was also disclosed that he was, earlier in 2014, diagnosed of anal cancer which he lived with for two years before it now claimed his life. His last tweet about his illness in February reads: “I pray 2 God everyday 2 help me pass this cancer #itshard #pains #wontgiveup #canwinthisbattle #cantsleepofpains”.

Akpos and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sank to the bottom and stayed there. Akpos promptly jumped in to save Her, he swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical doctor became aware of Akpos' act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Akpos the news, he said "Akpos, i have good news and bad news, the good news is you are being discharged, because you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient, I think you have gotten well enough and the bad news is that, the patient you saved hung herself with her bathrobe belt in the bathroom, I am sorry, she is dead." Akpos replied, she did not hang herself, I put her there to dry!

We have three classes of poverty. Primary, Secondary and Tertiary poverty. Teacher asks "who can explain the three classes of poverty?" Akpos stood up and said "Sir we are operating in the three classes of poverty o". The teacher asks "have you paid your school fees?" Akpos replied "that's exactly what I mean".

Akpos was in front of me coming out from the church after service, and the preacher was standing at the door as usual to shake hands. He grabbed Akpos by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Akpos replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "Am an undercover agent!"

Akpos was in the classroom when his teacher gave a class work that everybody in class should draw a goat eating grass. When they all finish drawing they submitted their work for the teacher to grade, when the teacher wanted to grade Akpos' work, he noticed that there was nothing on the drawing book. So he called Akpos to ask why he left the drawing book blank. Akpos replied and said "Maybe the goat has finish eating the grass and went away"

An angry wife to her husband (Akpos) on phone. Wife: Where the hell are you? Akpos: Honey, you remember that gold shop where you saw the diamond necklace & totally fell in love with it? Wife (relaxed): Yes, my king Akpors: Remember I had no cash to buy it for you that day & I said I will buy it for you one day? Wife (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush): Yes I remember my love! Akpors: Good, I am in a beer palour next to that shop!

Akpos got to school very late on monday morning and the teacher asked "Akpos why did u come to school so late?" Then Akpos answered "one man lost $1,000 note at the bus stop" the teacher said "ooohh! thats good of you", "seems you were helping the man look for his lost money". Akpos answered "Nooo! I DEY CRAZE??? Na me stand on top of the money".

A girl started noticing a guy who stands in-front of her home everyday in the evening. She noticed the guy always comes mostly in the evenings and weekends. The guy never tried to talk to her nor showed any gesture, he just moves here and there by looking into his mobile phone and occasionally stealing a stare at her. It went on like that for a year and the girl understood the guy was in love with her but was too shy to express his feelings. So, she told her parents. They too saw him and liked him. They discussed with her grandparents about a likely marriage. But wanted her to make the first move. Next day, she went to him and said: "Hi. I'm Radha." GUY: "Hi. I'm Chris." Hearing this, the Girl was very happy as the names were matching like Lord Chris and Radha Devi. The girl went on and said: "I really appreciate your patience and decency. You have been standing in front of my home everyday for about a year now. So, I understand that you are in love wi...

Akpos was trying to get away with not paying for his electricity bill. As soon as he saw the National electric official man heading towards his house, he quickly put off the meter in his house and used a big cupboard to cover it up and hide it. The official came, "Hello Mr. Akpos, I'm here for your electricity bill." Akpos asked, "What do you mean? I do not have light, so I don't need to pay any electricity bill." But I can see electric wires running through your roof." The light man said. Akpos said, "Hmmm, please come inside, I want to show you something. He led the man to his fridge and pointed to the jar of milk inside, and asked, "What is this?" The official replied, "How can you ask me such a silly question, it's a jar of milk." Akpos said, "Very good, now does that mean I have cows in my house?"

During a robbery, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!" This is called "Being Professional Focus only on what you are trained to do! When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got." The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!" This is called "Experience. Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications! Af...

Akpos had a bad attendance record for being particularly late for work in the morning. He was called to a disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons. His argument - "I get up in the morning...I shower...I look in the mirror...try to straighten my hair, then I miss the taxi, then I'm late." His boss has a bright idea. He gets one of Akpos' colleague to sneak into his room & steal the Mirror off the wall without Akpos' knowledge. The following day, Akpos did not turn up for work. The same happened the day after that. Akpos was summoned to another hearing to explain his reasons for not attending work. His argument - "I get up in the morning...I shower...I look in the Mirror...See no Akpos...I think Akpos already left for work.

Akpos won a lottery of 10 million dollars, after claiming the money, he buried the cash at the foot of a tree, and took a picture of the tree. He then boarded a flight to london, on the plane feeling good about himself he looked at the photo and suddenly he burst into tears. In his hands was the photo, in it there was a man smiling. at the top of the tree.

You didn't have a Childhood... If you didn't kill earthworm with salt. If you didn't play rubber band. If you never bathed in the rain. If nobody told you about India vs Nigeria 99-1. If you didn't sleep on the couch and wake up on the bed If you didn't throw your milk tooth on the roof for the lizards to take it and give you new ones. If you didn't just wash your hands and legs instead of bathing when going to school. If you didn't act film in uncompleted building or under bed with friends. If you never flew a kite. If you didn't use your two legs to build houses with sand. If you didn't write your name on paper and insert it into your pen so that no one will steal it. If you never waved at white birds expecting your nails to be whiter and longer. If you never heard of a ghost that stays under the mango trees at nights. If you didn't drive a single car Tyre with a stick and called it your car! If you never did mama and papa play i.e. cooking gr...

A Preacher said: "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river". And the congregation cried,"Amen!" "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river". And the congregation cried,"Amen!" "And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river". Againthe congregation cried,"Amen!" The preacher sat down. The deacon then stood up& said: "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We shall drink from that river". THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH!!

A married man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as "LOW BATTERY" with no ringtone. Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it to the charger... The man has now been nominated for Nobel prize for "Innovation and Peace"