Jokes

A movie director was determined to make the greatest epic movie ever filmed and the film was to contain the greatest battle scene ever filmed. "I will use two armies." he said "They'll be huge twenty-five thousand extras on each side." "But how will we pay off the fifty thousand actors?" murmured his assistant. "That's the best part of my plan" replied the director. "we'll use real bullets."

James was returning home with his salary and was ambushed by an armed robber on a deserted street. "Take my money, take my money!!" said James, "But do me a favour. Shoot a bullet through my cap here otherwise, my wife won't believe I was robbed." The robber obliged. He threw James's cap into the air and shot a bullet through it. "Let's make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers," said James, "otherwise, my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of holes through my suit." So the robber shot a number of holes through James' suit. "And now shoot...…" "Sorry," interrupted the robber. "No more holes. I'm out of bullets." "That's all I wanted to hear!" said James. "Now hand me back my money and some more for the cap and suit that you've ruined or I will beat you black and blue!" The robber threw down the money and took to his heels.

Once, a little girl went to a shop with her mother. In the shop, the little caught a glimpse of a bottle filled with sweets. The shopkeeper noticed her staring at the bottle filled with sweets and said, "Hey cute girl, you can take the sweets if you want them." But the little girl didn't do anything. The shopkeeper was surprised and repeated again, "You can have the sweets." But the little girl didn't take the sweets. The mother finally weighed in and said, "You can have the sweets dear." Yet she didn't take it. The shopkeeper picked the bottle of sweets himself, poured a bunch of them onto his hand and gave them to her. While returning home, the mother asked her daughter, "Why didn't you take the sweets when the shop keeper told you to take them?" The little girl replied, "Because the shopkeeper's hands were bigger than mine."

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in China when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and waiting for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually, they find an oasis (river). The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and insists the blind man goes ahead first. So the blind man goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and

Once, a little girl went to a shop with her mother. In the shop, the little caught a glimpse of a bottle filled with sweets. The shopkeeper noticed her staring at the bottle filled with sweets and said, "Hey cute girl, you can take the sweets if you want them." But the little girl didn't do anything. The shopkeeper was surprised and repeated again, "You can have the sweets." But the little girl didn't take the sweets. The mother finally weighed in and said, "You can have the sweets dear." Yet she didn't take it. The shopkeeper picked the bottle of sweets himself, poured a bunch of them onto his hand and gave them to her. While returning home, the mother asked her daughter, "Why didn't you take the sweets when the shop keeper told you to take them?" The little girl replied, "Because the shopkeeper's hands were bigger than mine."

A child innocently asked his mother... CHILD: Would you leave your housegirl with your bank account card and your N1 million on the chair. MUMMY: No I don't trust her. CHILD: Then why would you leave me with her?

The day after his wife disappeared in a car accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Nigerian Policemen, "We are sorry Mr. Maxwell, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Policeman. "Tell me! Did you find her?!" Maxwell shouted. The Policemen looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Maxwell said, "Give me the bad news first." The Police said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning, we found your wife's body in the sea under the Bridge." "Oh my God!" exclaimed Maxwell swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?" The Police continued, "When we brought her out, she had five fishes and three tortoises clinging to her." Stunned, Mr. Maxwell demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?" The Police sa